Have you ever walked into a room and felt like all eyes were on you? Maybe you hesitated before speaking in a group, worried you’d say the wrong thing. Or perhaps you avoided social plans altogether, not because you didn’t want to go, but because the anxiety beforehand felt unbearable.
If any of this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Social anxiety can make everyday interactions feel overwhelming. The fear of being judged, embarrassing yourself, or not fitting in can leave you stuck in avoidance mode. But avoiding social situations often makes the anxiety worse over time, reinforcing the belief that they’re dangerous.
The good news? You don’t have to eliminate social anxiety completely to live a fulfilling life. You just need to learn how to manage it so it doesn’t control you.
Understanding Social Anxiety
Social anxiety isn’t just about being shy. It’s a persistent fear of social situations where you feel exposed to judgment. Your mind goes into overdrive, analysing everything you say, how you look, or how others might perceive you. Common thoughts include:
“What if I say something stupid?”
“They’ll think I’m boring.”
“I look awkward.”
“They probably don’t even want me here.”
These thoughts trigger physical symptoms - racing heart, sweaty palms, dry mouth - that make you want to escape the situation as quickly as possible. But what if, instead of avoiding these moments, you could approach them with a different mindset?
How to Manage Social Anxiety
- Notice & Challenge Your Inner Critic
That voice in your head telling you that you’re being judged? It’s often wrong. We tend to overestimate how much people notice or remember our so-called ‘mistakes’. Try this:
- Next time you catch yourself thinking, “I made a fool of myself”, ask: “Did anyone actually react negatively, or is this my anxiety talking?”
- If you assume someone thinks badly of you, ask: “Do I have actual evidence for this, or am I guessing?”
More often than not, people are focused on themselves, not analysing your every move.
- Shift from Avoidance to Small Steps
Avoiding social situations might bring short-term relief, but it reinforces anxiety in the long run. Instead, take gradual steps to challenge your fears.
- If making conversation feels overwhelming, start with eye contact and a simple “hello” when ordering coffee.
- If you avoid group settings, challenge yourself to stay five minutes longer before leaving.
- If a big social event feels overwhelming, break it down into smaller steps - like deciding in advance how long you’ll stay, planning a few conversation starters, or arranging to go with a friend for support.
What’s one small step you could take today to make social situations feel more manageable?
- Get Comfortable with Discomfort
Anxiety makes us want to control every outcome, but social situations are naturally unpredictable. Instead of striving for ‘perfect’ interactions, practise tolerating discomfort.
- If your heart races before speaking, pause, breathe, and speak anyway.
- If there’s a silence in conversation, allow it instead of rushing to fill it.
- If you feel awkward, remind yourself that everyone feels this way sometimes - it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you.
The more you show yourself that you can handle discomfort, the less power it has over you.
- Focus on Connection, Not Performance
Many people with social anxiety feel like they have to ‘perform’ in conversations - to be funny, interesting, or impressive. But real connection isn’t about being perfect; it’s about being present.
- Instead of worrying about how you come across, focus on genuinely listening to the other person.
- Shift from self-focus (“How do I sound?”) to curiosity (“What can I learn about this person?”).
- Remind yourself that you don’t need to be entertaining - your presence is enough.
Fear of Judgment: Why Does It Feel So Intense?
One of the biggest drivers of social anxiety is the fear of being judged negatively. But why does this fear feel so overwhelming?
- Our brains are wired for social belonging – As humans, we evolved to depend on social groups for survival. Rejection used to mean real danger, so our brains became hypersensitive to social approval. Even though being judged today isn’t life-threatening, our nervous system still reacts as if it is.
- We assume others are more critical than they actually are – Social anxiety makes us believe people are analysing our every move, but in reality, most people are too focused on their own thoughts to scrutinise us. Think about the last time someone stumbled over their words - did you dwell on it, or did you move on?
- We mistake discomfort for evidence of judgment – If you feel anxious in a conversation, it’s easy to assume “I must be coming across badly”. But feelings aren’t facts. Just because you feel awkward doesn’t mean others see you that way.
- We forget that judgment is a normal part of life – No matter how careful we are, people will always have opinions. Some might like us, some won’t, and that’s okay. What matters is not letting the fear of judgment stop us from showing up in our lives.
You Are More Than Your Anxiety
Social anxiety doesn’t mean you’re broken, and it doesn’t define who you are. It’s simply a pattern your brain has learned - but patterns can be changed.
Progress might feel slow at times, but every time you challenge your fears, you’re showing yourself that you are capable. You don’t have to wait until you feel ‘ready’ or ‘confident’ to start living the life you want. You can take small steps today, even with the anxiety present.
What’s one small step you’re willing to take this week?